Why am I not excited

When I started this journey I was so upbeat and happy. All I could think about is when my surrogate gets pregnant how happy I would be. Then after 4 disappointments I kept positive and moved on. I decided to try with my last 2 donated embryos in me and was so excited when my body was working. The day of my transfer they didn't make the thaw. A piece of my heart was gone but I decided to try with my own eggs and endear painful needles in my arms and then my belly. That didn't work and I decided to try different shots and that didn't work. When I got the news that my egg were gone another chunk of my heart was taken away form me. I decided to try egg donation in Prague I am going through the motions taking the pills and booking the flights and paying half of my life saving going there. But I don't ave that same spark or drive that I always pushes me to try till I get what I want. I act happy and planning everything for the 2 weeks I am there but I'm afraid to loose another chunk of my heart. My mom keeps saying you lost that excitement in your eyes. I have and I want it back!!!