Don't Want

What I don't want.
I don't want someone to tell me why don't you adopt.
I don't want to be told I need to be married first.
I don't want that pity look when I tell you my secret.
I don't want someone saying go to the bar and time it right.
I don't want to be alone anymore.
Stop saying I don't want because I Do Want a baby.

Menopause Sucks

I have my moments. I will be fine and then I start crying. I hold it back and make it a quick cry but it still hurts. The lack of hormones isn't helping me either. Menopause is a Bitch!!!! I have hot flashes all the time and want to curl up and sleep all day sometimes. I have another 2 months of no hormones.

The Day from Hell

I was a little upset because my phone went dead the night before and the clinic embryologist called and left a message I was thinking maybe one didn't make the thaw and I only had one left. I woke up the next morning excited and looking forward to the day ahead. I took a shower and was getting dressed to go to the acu appointment before the transfer. The phone rang it was the embryologist to let me know my embryos didn't make the thaw. I was very upset and crying all day. What did they do to my embryos? I don't think they knew that they were doing because she told me she followed the instructions on the kit. UM They should already know what to do without reading how to thaw it on the box. She said there was a ring like crust on the embryos when she thawed them. I hung up because I was crying to hard to talk. After crying for hours I emailed the person in charge of the research study in Boston. It has been a long hard road the last 2 years to parenthood. I have cries way more than I should. I have been through 4 surrogates and thousands of dollars. I still cry everyday about the loss of my embryos and the loss of family with A the donor. Her hubby offered to be my sperm donor but I felt it would be to complicated and a little scared because of the last time I tried to use a known donor. I am still friends with A and she is my cheerleader cheering me on to be a mommy.

leading up to the day

I have been through so much emotionally the last two weeks. I went in for my bw and u/s on mon the u/s ahowed my lining was 7 YAY I can't believe it's high enough to do a transfer!!!! But the Dr wants it higher so she upped my estrace to 4 a day go back in thur to recheck. On wed I felt my boobs start to deflate a little. I started panicking. Went in on thur and my lining was 6. It went down instead of up. I cried driving home. I pulled over to fb about it the phone rang. It was the nurse saying to start the progesterone. I was like what I thought it was going to be canceled because it went down instead of up. She said the Dr wants to go ahead with it. She thinks that's the best chance I have. So I started the meds on Fri. I was never given instructions on how to give the shots. I went to the clinic and the nurse showed my sister how.I got a sever reaction to the pio. I swelled up from the butt crack all the way around my hip. I was told to take an oral pill 2 times a day instead. I was so excited and ready for the transfer coming up the next day.

Mom's letter

Dear Gabrielle,
I know how much you want a baby of your own ans how hard you have tried to have one Your Journey has been mine from when the Dr said you couldn't have one. You were only 18 so young to carry the burden. I watched you when your friends started getting married and having children of there own. You were so happy for them but I could see it in your eyes you longed to be just like them. Over the years you worked saved your money until you came to me and said you wanted to adopt a baby. You put your name on the lists. But because your single it was taking to long. Some where you herd about a group of woman who have babies for women who can't have a baby of there own, You put all your hopes and dreams in the matches you had. each one failed you. They took you for your money, your hope and dreams. But you didn't give up you decided to talk to a Dr to see if you could carry yourself. That's where we are now. Your next Journey has started and I'm right here with you to hold your hand if you need it.

Acupuncture

I am taking the estrace pills. I get a little crampy or spasmy after taking the vag pill. They think it is going to work by Feb 17 for a transfer but I still have reservations. My baseline numbers are very very low. I want to go to a new acupuncturist. The one I have isn't that well versed at it yet. I want someone that is experienced in fertility.

cd1

Well I got my period today. Very crampy I want it over so I can start the meds again. I can't sleep and been getting night swets. It's like going through menapause all over again.