Sandy

I braved the beginning of Hurricane Sandy by going for blood work. My beta went up but my progesterone went down. I was very worried about that. I bought a lot of gas for the generator and supplies. When all said and done I have no money left in my bank account. The storm was kind to me and my family. We didn't loose power and the tree in the back of the house is strong as ever. The city I work in didn't fair to well. Atlantic City was devastated!!! Flooded and sand in the street and homes. The casinos were evacuated by 4pm Sun. I was still on vacation so I didn't get any work that week. It is now Halloween and the casino is still closed. The casinos are closed until further notice. I have no money coming in no money to pay bills no money for food and no money to go to the Dr. I will have to put some of it on my credit card and apply for unemployment and hope I get some money in soon. I have never been late on my mortgage before. These things are all small compared to the may people that have no homes left. I am just feeling sorry for myself I am happy I am pregnant and that my family are safe. My heart goes out to all the people devastated in the wake of Hurricane Sandy!!!

Prague Fertility Centre

I am here to tell you I went to Prague. It is the most amazing place in the world. I enjoyed exploring the city. I went there to do egg donor IVF. The day of my transfer wasn't the best day of my life that I wanted it to be. I got woken up at 3am with my sick sister puking her guts up. The room smelled disgusting. She insisted on going with me to the clinic sick and all. Everyone there was like wrinkled nosed when she started coughing. I insisted she wait outside no going in with me. I didn't want to get all the other patients sick as well. They were nice and gave her a script to get some meds at pharmacy. Everything went great with the transfer I have 2 good quality 3 day embryos in me. I was supposed to go to Krakow Poland 3 days after the transfer. We didn't go instead we re booked a flight home so she can go to the dr. On day 2 after transfer I went to breakfast and was very nauseous. I took it as a good sign. I flew home on day 4 and slept all day 5. I was crampy on day 6 so I took a wandaflo pee stick. It was a squinter and wasn't sure if it was a real pos because it took so long to show up. I took another one before bed and it did the same thing. On day 7 I took a digital test and it came up Pregnant!!!!

I panicked and called my local RE to get a hormone check. I did that and my beta was 53. YAY I am pregnant but my progesterone is very low it was 3. I am still panicked about this because I need the levels to be high enough to keep this going. I went back in 2 days beta was 123 and pro was 5.6 still low but up from 3. I went back in on Sat my beta was 275 and pro 4.5 it went down instead of up. I asked the local RE what to do and he was like tell your Prague Dr all I will do is check your blood. I am devastated he is not going to help me. I emailed the Dr in Prague and she is out of the office due to illness!!! My sister got everyone sick!!!!! I go back in on Wed to see if my beta goes up. I hope the clinic in Prague gets back to me with an answer as to what to do about my pro levels. Here is my favorite picture from my trip

Why am I not excited

When I started this journey I was so upbeat and happy. All I could think about is when my surrogate gets pregnant how happy I would be. Then after 4 disappointments I kept positive and moved on. I decided to try with my last 2 donated embryos in me and was so excited when my body was working. The day of my transfer they didn't make the thaw. A piece of my heart was gone but I decided to try with my own eggs and endear painful needles in my arms and then my belly. That didn't work and I decided to try different shots and that didn't work. When I got the news that my egg were gone another chunk of my heart was taken away form me. I decided to try egg donation in Prague I am going through the motions taking the pills and booking the flights and paying half of my life saving going there. But I don't ave that same spark or drive that I always pushes me to try till I get what I want. I act happy and planning everything for the 2 weeks I am there but I'm afraid to loose another chunk of my heart. My mom keeps saying you lost that excitement in your eyes. I have and I want it back!!!

Mock Cycle

I am going to document everything to keep track of everything for my trip to Prague. I was on progesterone for 7 days starting 7-11/7-18. Today I am crampy and a little af coming. So tomorrow is cd1. I am supposed to start estradiol 4 times a day on day 2. I haven't told my RE here about starting the meds on day 2 yet because I made an appointment for blood work and ultra sound on Mon. I just hope is supportive of my decision to go to Prague.

Onward and Upward

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I needed some time to mourn the loss of my eggs. I knew it was a crap shoot to try with my own eggs but is still hurt when I was told over the phone that I have no eggs left. I have cried more the last month than I have in years. I think I'm fine then something happens or someone says something and the water works start all over again. I have been looking into what next do I want to do egg donation? I don't have $25-35k to do this. Do I want to do shared donor program? I would be matched with another person to share a donors eggs. The eggs will be devided between us and the person that was on the list will get the odd number of eggs. If the egg donor doesn't produce more than 10 eggs then the primary person gets ALL the eggs and the secondary is out the money and has to start all over again. That cost $12k plus your own transfer and meds. Or do I want to go to Prague Czech Republic and do egg and sperm donor cycle. That costs 6600 eu or 8000 usd total. I have to pay for air, hotel, and food. I figured everything out to be about $10k usd. I would have to corrdinate my cycle with a person across the world and have my RE here monitor me then fly there before the transfer. I have been thinking out all the options for the last month. The egg donation is out because I don't have enough money for that. The shared donor I can just do it but the thought if there isn't enough eggs I would have to start all over again but I wouldn't be able to because part of my money is already gone and I have only so much to do this. Going to Prague is scary but exciting at the same time. I would be able to go more than once if I need to. I would have enough to go there 3 times I am realistic with my track record I know I will probably have to go more than once. I started with $9k to do this but I got a credit union loan for $10k that brings me a total of $19k. I never thought I would ever go out of the country in my lifetime. It is so close to Austria and Poland. I would love to go on excursions to see the world and get pregnant while there. I have been going back and forth between shared cycle here or Prague. I decided to take the leap and go to Prague.
I will be bringing my sister with me. She can carry my bags on the way home because I can't lift more than 5lbs. She will be there for me so I don't have to travel by myself. Her only stipulation is we have to go to Auschwitz camp on one of our excursions. I am so excited right now. I will be going to Prague in Oct. Here is the website to the clinic if anyone wants it: http://www.pragueivf.com/en/home/

He Gave Up

My RE gave up on me after only a week on menopur. He ran a AMH test and it was very low. So the that means I should give up on using my own eggs and go to egg donor. He knows I don't have enough money to afford an egg donor. I have been crying ever since. I calmed down and told a few friends and one told me about an RE in MO that charges lower fees for ivf. It clicked I already talked to him last year when I was trying to decide what to do with my last 2 embryos. He couldn't help me but said to contact him if I needed anything else. So I emailed him last night and he replied this morning. I asked about egg donation but now that I am questioning my own eggs I emailed him back. I am waiting to hear from him if he will take my case.

It's over

I went through all that pain for nothing. It didn't work!!! I knew it wasn't working and it still hurt when I went in for the u/s and saw nothing. I wanted it to work so bad. I had a meeting with my RE in NJ and we decided to start me on Menopur. I had my first shot yesterday. I video taped it for youtube.lol I want to document my journey so that other girls with KS can see it can work if one doesn't then another will. To never give up on your dreams. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2yl1hhuX34&feature=g-upl

Fun in Boston

I couldn't go to Boston and experience all the pain I did without having some fun. I did have a lot of fun exploring. here is some pictures and a video.

I am a lingerie model at KMart



Beth doesn't like taking showers 

 I met Tammi and the Duo

 China town rocked

 Holocaust Memorial

 My poor arm

 Lizzi Borons house

 Whale Watch

 Happy Memorial Day

 Finagle a Bagel

Video of the Whale

Thur

I have an u/s on thur to see if I have any follicles. I got a call from the Dr in Boston yesterday she said if the meds don't work than the study is over. I am so angry I want to cry. How is it that my body just doesn't want to work the way it's suppose to? I don't feel anything different other than my boobs are a little bigger. I was hoping this would work and I could be pregnant by the end of the summer. I went through all this pain from killing my veins for nothing. I gritted my teeth through the pain and smiled like it didn't hurt but it did and  still dose. I'm not good at words but will do the best I can to get the feelings out. I Have had to stop everything every day at 2:40pm to give blood and it has to be on time and Everyday!!! My super squirter vein is getting scar tissue and they have to use other veins and one blew up and the other is strained because of the other study in MD last month and hurt very very bad giving blood from. I am running out of veins to use. That's all I can say for now because I can't see through the tears!!!

Boston

I went with high hopes that everything was work and I was going to ovulate. Well it hasn't happened that easily. That's my life. I have always had to fight and work harder than anyone else to get what I want and need. Why should this be any differently.
They tried to set up the pump in my arm. I have very bad veins!! After 4 very painful sticks they got a vain. I was getting blood draws every day to check my hormone levels and after 2 days it wasn't going up. The vain wasn't letting the meds go through and I got a hot lump in front of the iv line. So tried another vain on the other arm. It lasted 4 days and it did the same thing a big bulge in front of the iv line. Now they put it in the stomach. I only had 2 days left before I leave. Not enough time to see if it worked. I went home knowing that they were probably going to up the meds and add a hcg shot in hopes it works. If it doesn't work than I go to injectables and pay out of pocket for everything.
I am mad I want to scream at the top of my lungs Why does my life have to be harder than everyone else!!!!!!!
I am hoping that the new dose starts working and I will get what I really wanted and dreamed for my hole life.

NIH

I went to Bethesda MD to do the pre testing.

I was poked and prodded!!! The most painful 6 IV sticks in my life.

I found out that I do have Kallmann Syndrome. I have a small webbing between 2 toes that no one actually saw before. I was stuck in an MRI for 2 hours twice to find out I have a micro small olfactory and one that is not there. I have a cataract on the outside ridge of both my eyes.
I did everything with my lucky rubber ducky socks.

Don't Want

What I don't want.
I don't want someone to tell me why don't you adopt.
I don't want to be told I need to be married first.
I don't want that pity look when I tell you my secret.
I don't want someone saying go to the bar and time it right.
I don't want to be alone anymore.
Stop saying I don't want because I Do Want a baby.

Menopause Sucks

I have my moments. I will be fine and then I start crying. I hold it back and make it a quick cry but it still hurts. The lack of hormones isn't helping me either. Menopause is a Bitch!!!! I have hot flashes all the time and want to curl up and sleep all day sometimes. I have another 2 months of no hormones.

The Day from Hell

I was a little upset because my phone went dead the night before and the clinic embryologist called and left a message I was thinking maybe one didn't make the thaw and I only had one left. I woke up the next morning excited and looking forward to the day ahead. I took a shower and was getting dressed to go to the acu appointment before the transfer. The phone rang it was the embryologist to let me know my embryos didn't make the thaw. I was very upset and crying all day. What did they do to my embryos? I don't think they knew that they were doing because she told me she followed the instructions on the kit. UM They should already know what to do without reading how to thaw it on the box. She said there was a ring like crust on the embryos when she thawed them. I hung up because I was crying to hard to talk. After crying for hours I emailed the person in charge of the research study in Boston. It has been a long hard road the last 2 years to parenthood. I have cries way more than I should. I have been through 4 surrogates and thousands of dollars. I still cry everyday about the loss of my embryos and the loss of family with A the donor. Her hubby offered to be my sperm donor but I felt it would be to complicated and a little scared because of the last time I tried to use a known donor. I am still friends with A and she is my cheerleader cheering me on to be a mommy.

leading up to the day

I have been through so much emotionally the last two weeks. I went in for my bw and u/s on mon the u/s ahowed my lining was 7 YAY I can't believe it's high enough to do a transfer!!!! But the Dr wants it higher so she upped my estrace to 4 a day go back in thur to recheck. On wed I felt my boobs start to deflate a little. I started panicking. Went in on thur and my lining was 6. It went down instead of up. I cried driving home. I pulled over to fb about it the phone rang. It was the nurse saying to start the progesterone. I was like what I thought it was going to be canceled because it went down instead of up. She said the Dr wants to go ahead with it. She thinks that's the best chance I have. So I started the meds on Fri. I was never given instructions on how to give the shots. I went to the clinic and the nurse showed my sister how.I got a sever reaction to the pio. I swelled up from the butt crack all the way around my hip. I was told to take an oral pill 2 times a day instead. I was so excited and ready for the transfer coming up the next day.

Mom's letter

Dear Gabrielle,
I know how much you want a baby of your own ans how hard you have tried to have one Your Journey has been mine from when the Dr said you couldn't have one. You were only 18 so young to carry the burden. I watched you when your friends started getting married and having children of there own. You were so happy for them but I could see it in your eyes you longed to be just like them. Over the years you worked saved your money until you came to me and said you wanted to adopt a baby. You put your name on the lists. But because your single it was taking to long. Some where you herd about a group of woman who have babies for women who can't have a baby of there own, You put all your hopes and dreams in the matches you had. each one failed you. They took you for your money, your hope and dreams. But you didn't give up you decided to talk to a Dr to see if you could carry yourself. That's where we are now. Your next Journey has started and I'm right here with you to hold your hand if you need it.

Acupuncture

I am taking the estrace pills. I get a little crampy or spasmy after taking the vag pill. They think it is going to work by Feb 17 for a transfer but I still have reservations. My baseline numbers are very very low. I want to go to a new acupuncturist. The one I have isn't that well versed at it yet. I want someone that is experienced in fertility.

cd1

Well I got my period today. Very crampy I want it over so I can start the meds again. I can't sleep and been getting night swets. It's like going through menapause all over again.

Spotting

I am crampy and a little blood on toilet paper today. Looks like tomorrow is cd1. My start of my cycle. YAY I think the red raspberry tea is working. I will call the clinic on Mon to get my calendar and set up for for bw and u/s. EEEEEEEEEE I wanted to come on and jump for joy that it's finally starting.

Just another day

I took the progesterone and estrace yesterday and today. I just wanted to say I took it and looking forward to my cycle coming up. I have been going to a Chiropractor to help fix my back. I have a sciatic nerve in my butt and it gets very painful. The chiro will be there the entire pregnancy to help me function.

Meds Came

My meds came in this week. Also I got some turtle socks. Here they are.

Saline ultrasound

I did my su last mon. It was very uncomfortable and sore. I took a xanex before I went.lol I was late I got the times wrong and was an hour late. It was very informal and the Dr was talking to the u/s tech like she was teaching them about ks. She was as clueless as everyone else. I made it through it. She told me that I need one more period and make an appointment for blood and ultrasound on day 3 to start a cycle. I start meds for that today. But I have been bleeding almost all week since the su. I finally stopped on Sat. Boy have I been sore and dry all week. I took a over the counter stuff for yeast because I was so dry and I ws on antibiotics all week to ward off any infection that might happen from the sa. I feel like the estrace I have been on has been doing something because my boobs have been sore for the last couple of days. I have been taking estrace twice a day since before Christmas. I do hope I can get my lining up high enough so I can transfer by the end of Feb or beginning of March. I want to be pregnant with my surrogate friend A. I haven't told anyone on fb that I am ttc myself yet. They all think I am looking for a new surrogate. I have found some good friends in a private group of infertiles. They have been very encouraging and know what I am going trough somewhat. They have been going through treatments for many years and I am just starting out. So here's to a starting my first cycle today!!!!  

Saline Ultrasound today

I am set to go in for a saline ultrasound today. This wouldn't be bad if I didn't get a head cold yesterday. So this is going to be more uncomfortable than normal since I can't lay flat and breath. I get to meet the Dr today as well. I had a fit because the first Dr I talked to seemed to think I can transfer in a month and this one thinks I won't I have to wait 3 months.

bye bye aunt flo

I ended my af yesterday. It lasted only a few days. I am now ready to grow my uterus so I can do the fet. I am on estrace twice a day. I go in on mon for a saline ultrasound to check out my uterus from the inside I think that's what they are doing. I hope this works I want a baby so bad.

miss comunications

So there is a lot of miss comunication right now. My nurse coordinater quit just after I was put on meds to get my period. I thoought it wasn't going to work but it just took longer to work. My re is no in charge of my case he was only there to get me to stay with the office. The new dr is head of ivf and she told me to go off all meds wich freaked me out. I called the first re uset and he told me to go back on meds and go in for u/s in 2 weeks. Then U got a call from the new nurse saying that the head of ivfwants mee to go in for a saline sonogram and I won't have the transfer for at least 3 or 4 mmonths. That's if my hormones get high enough. I am so confused and upset right now.
I got an email saying my medical records have been shipped out to me today. I asked if I can go on the pump protical and do the fet after I ovulate? I told her I needed an opinion from someone that knows about ks. Hopefully she gets back to me with a yes. If I can I will have the best of both worlds. I get to go to Boston and meet the head Mass generals re department. He knows ks better than anyone else. And I could give it the best try with my embabies.